I'm no Jana (Rawlinson, but for that matter I'm no Wendt either)

I am back at the parentals place, and I spent the first night there at a friend's place watching the football and Predator. The second night, I wasn't home until 9:30- so it's working very nicely atm.

I managed to get an injury packing. I'd left work early on Friday to go home and pack, cause I promised Flatmate (who'll need a new name now!) that that I would not have a drink until I'd finished the packing.

It was about 5:30, I'd had nothing to drink and Swede was almost over, as she was helping out too. I decided it would be a good idea to hurdle over my (very large) dirty clothes bag. I tripped on it, went flying and landed on my elbow in a clothes bag and my knee smashed into one of my hardwood bedside tables. I still can't kneel because of the large bruise on it.

Once I recover from my move, I will be helping my friends move.

Packing games

Monday nights are usually quiet ones, and last night should have been no exception. Except Swede had volunteered to come over to help me pack boxes, and I offered to feed her dinner and give her a glass of wine. And then I was to drive her home.

One glass turned into two, and we decided that she'd be staying over and I'd drive her home in the morning, in time for her driving lesson.

We packed 2 boxes, and she managed to convince me to separate some of my unnecessary Tupperware into a box to sell off. I have an awful lot of the stuff... Might have to setup a website for it.

Then we found my boxful of love letters from my first love, who lasted from ages 15 to 18. I said to Swede, Flatmate, and Flatmate's friend Tom who is staying over this week, that we should read them for a laugh. They all dismissed the idea, and after dinner, I retrieved them and they couldn't believe how many there were (well over 50). So we each took one and took turns reading them, in different accents and voices.

It was the biggest laugh ever! Tom and Flatmate had started drinking as well, and they kept looking for the funniest ones. Listening to teenage declarations of love for me was flattering, but very strange, And scary! We were both so in love and would never leave each other, but we were both moody, I was a very jealous and clingy person.

I am glad I'm not that person anymore, but I can't help but to wonder if that relationship is why I'm not successful in them now.

I wish I could turn back time and tell 15 year old Lil B so much. About love, life, music, careers, money, family. And I know 15 y.0 Lil B would have been horrified to hear these letters were used as entertainment on a Monday night in 2008!

Anyways, we woke up early, and Swede was worried about going for her driving lesson hungover. I told her she'd better get used to it, cause it is a common thing. She laughed. And we both agreed it was so worth it, since last night had been the most hilarious night for ages.

And we’re doing it again Friday :)

Upbeat

I am still feeling positive about moving back in with the parentals. I think the reason it is different this time, is because I really do not care if anyone thinks negatively of me for it.

I think a lot of this has to do with the new counsellor, who has helped me realise that a few things about my relationship with my Mum are a little toxic.

She was/ still is a classic helicopter parent, and my way of dealing with it my whole life has been to take EVERYTHING she says to heart. Making me the little pile of anxiety I am today.

It is amazing how much happier I am feeling since my counsellor helped me make this discovery. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I still love my family, but I wont accept them trying to live my life for me. I wont accept being told what I can and cannot do. But I will respect their rules while I am living under their roof. But they need to respect my decisions that I make for myself.

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My life has become quite colourful as of late. A few paramours floating around. Some of the attention wanted, some not. I'm also teaching myself to reject nicely, rather than ignore. I've stolen the one thing I love from Christianity- the "Do unto others" rule.

This will be hard being under the parental roof, but I certainly don't intend to bring any of that life back there. It wouldn't be understood let alone condoned.

Panic!

Earlier today I spilled water over my laptop. I left it 10 minutes, switched it on and it made strange fizzling sounds and died.

I then pulled out the battery, left it upside down on the lounge and read a book. I went out, came home and switched it back on and nothing! I cried...

I had a shower and calmed down, being clean tends to be a nice relaxant. I plugged it into the mains and voila, it worked!

Thank goodness, as I would not have survived living back at home with Mum and Dad without my laptop.

Yes, you read right, I am going back! I just cannot afford to live out of home while I am still recovering.

This time, I am feeling much happier about the decision. Yes I will be away from the city and my good friends, but I will be away from temptations and the friends I love will still visit me or let me stay at their places.

I have also decided a career change is in order. Helpdesks are not for me. I hate being told how to do my job by people (clients) who have no idea what they are talking about.

Unfortunately this new career change required a 4 years full time/ 8 years part time university degree, but that is something I am willing to take on.

It's about loving what you do. It's about having a real reason to get up in the morning. Doing something that makes differences to people/ communities is what I want to do. Not be a career public servant who takes emotional abuse from other career public servants!

And I know I will do this and be successful. When I put my mind to something, it generally happens.

On another random note, last night involved drinks (not too many though), and Flatmate, Swede and I skipping through the Cultural Centre Busway Station singing "I Have Confidence".

It's things like that I will miss.

Or anything else larger than the world.

Today was the lowest it's got, then it got better.

But back when it was at the lowest, I had a good friend who happens to be an ex tell me I am smart and not a failure, and everything will work itself out.

I know it wont happen all at once, it will take a bit longer than I had hoped. But knowing I have friends like him, and all others who've stuck by me and supported me through this, makes me know my life is an awesome one, and I wouldn't give it up for the world!