I wish I could lay here and just forget the world...

I want to put that as my status on FB, but I know that a million wall posts and messages will come with it.

It's not as dire as it sounds. It's just that I am flat broke and have no income entering my bank account in the foreseeable future, I'm sleepy all the time, have a sticky kitchen floor, a heap of washing to put away, flaky skin on my face, the nose STILL hurts, I have to go to my grnadmas for dinner instead of Riverfire-ing it up tonight and all the benches in the kitchen are stick and covered with dirty dishes.

The good part? Well, I can't afford junk food, so I swear I am losing weight!

Affirmations

I have to look out for myself because I have no one else to do it for me. Nor should anyone else be responsible for me.

I will accept myself for who I am. I will accept that I do things a bit (sometimes a lot!!) differently to "normal" people.

I also have to accept that I'm never going to be one of those people who appear to be perfect and flawless on the outside. I'm scarred and imperfect on both the outside and in, but I accept it, and am happy to be the me I am.

I have to be. I can't change my height, I can't rid myself of the allergies or the other health problems.

But I can love me for who I am, warts and all. I can even change little superficial things, so I do feel more confident in myself. But only when I want to.

I don't want to feel down. I want all my friends to love me and accept me for who I am and what I stand for, and I am learning exactly who will and who wont. And those who wont will be on the outer without knowing it, cause that's how I roll.

I will be doing something just for me every day. Some days, it will be an all day thing. Like yesterday. I slept on and off (mostly on though) until 3:30pm, when I got out of bed, ate a lovely meal of leftovers that I had made myself and went and bought the paper and read it.

It's the little things like that I am appreciating more as I grow older.

But the young child inside me still makes me smile, and I am glad that I can hold onto her a little longer.

This one is for Jac

The operation seems to have worked so far. Breathing is a bit easier, but it's still got a long while to go before the nose is completely healed.

It's been an interesting few weeks since I last blogged too. I have rested up, mostly. There have been a few big nights out- Ekka holiday Eve with Max, a trip to the football to watch the Lion's beat the Bulldogs with B, Max and my friend from Melbourne Miss Brown, a night out at Surfer's with Miss Brown, and the fabulous Jen's going away party last night.

In amongst all this, I've been to numerous appointments, arranged my back to work plan, watched a lot of Olympics, learned to not stress so much about the stuff I cannot change, and have the attention of 6 members of the male species.

This of course, is the most interesting...

A story for later on in the week.

Lessons to be learned

I think everyone's goal in life should be to be happy. But so many people aren't and don't do a thing about it. Whether it be through laziness, ignorance, or because they're just too stupid to see what it is that makes them truly feel happy.

Me? I have too many contradictions to ever be 100% happy. I am not going to be happy in a long term relationship because I bore easily. Yet one night stands don't leave me feeling fulfilled enough.

I want things on my terms, which are nowhere near conventional. I haven't even worked out exactly what they are yet either, which puts me in all those three categories above.

Drinking too much never fails to make me feel negatively about myself, yet going out sober just takes me into a deeper hole.

I found something I loved doing at work, and it was taken away from me, I had no choice. I am stuck with something destined to make me hate me job so much that even though some people are lovely, I will quit.

It's probably the black dog speaking, but I feel it's true and I've known it for a while, I just want to deny it.

But I can't and I wont. I will learn to live with it.

Lust

I am 100% sober tonight. I am on a self imposed ban on having fun. So I am at home at quarter to 10 on a Friday night drinking water, texting RB's chicky and facebook chatting with another guy I went to school with.

Yes, you read right. Messaging her. She is currently at RB's place drinking and watching the football. Life sucks, should be me, blah blah. I hate crushes!!!

The thing is Flatmate keeps telling me that RB keeps telling him that she's "only a friend". Her messages indicate she doesn't know that... He's stringing her along and I can't tell her.

She just called me to ask if I had the pics from Flatmates birthday on facebook, I don't but B does. Apparently RB wants to have a look at them. So now I am going to be her FB friend, so she will kinda see the other pics of RB I have on there too.

And the high school guy? Well, we were talking about my high school ex and how we both hated him. And now he's propositioned me...

Air freshener

The annoying bogan from Ipswich, or the Bad Smell as I've been referring to him as to my friends, came over this afternoon. He had to pick up his jumper which he left here. I have to admit the only reason I invited him over to pick it up was because I liked the attention he was giving me.

I had lunch with Max and B today, and we all shared our plans for the afternoon. The two of them were both back to work and I told them: "I am off home to shag the bad smell as he is being handed to me on a platter. I have no morals."

Well, turns out I do, yay me! I just could not bring myself to do "it". I value myself more than that. I knew it would make me feel terrible afterwards, and I have had a lifetime already of feeling terrible for things I have done.

I managed to kick him out nicely, but I think his feelings were hurt. I shouldn't really care, but I will be nice and message him again.

It will be just be "I never want to see you again", but in a nicer way than that.