Vale Sharon

I got to work this morning and there was an email saying a colleague on our floor had died suddenly. It was Sharon, who I'd had a nice chat with in the lift Friday afternoon, about our plans for the coming weekend. I left her saying "See you Monday".

I wasn't and she wasn't to know it wouldn't happen. She had been on the phone to her mother on Friday night. A blood clot burst in her brain. She was 38.

Ponderings

Whatever you do will not always be right- someone, somewhere will find it wrong.

Do not feel guilt from horrible mistakes you’ve made in the past that have hurt people. You made that mistake so you know not to do that again.

You can say sorry and mean it, yet people won’t accept it. That is their problem if they can’t find it in their heart to forgive you.

Yet sometimes terrible things happen to you, and you don’t know who to blame for it. If you blame yourself, you’ll never be able to live, so acknowledge your part in the mistake, and try and make the best out of a bad situation.

But when the bad situation stops you from doing the things you like. Then life’s not fair.

Life isn’t fair.

big NO NOs!!!

A fun activity, once you've had a few drinks is NOT to look up info about your ex on facebook. For those of you who remember the accountant, well, I found out he has another girlfriend. The only thing to do is to know deep in my heart that I am prettier than her (so true- she's a bit mole-like) And to add the hot young blond friend of my flatmate as my friend on there.

It's the only thing to cure a crushed heart.

my lot in life

Reading back over the last week, it would seem I am so unhappy with my life. Yet I am not- which is probably an indication in itself that the drugs are working...

I have a great flatmate, who I get along very well with, so home life is relaxed. I have two parents who are still married after 30 years, and who I love and miss and try to see as much as possible. I have some great friends who know my faults and still like me.

I get along with my brother better than I ever have, to the point that when I feel like escaping the city, I can go to his place for a night or two, which is 5 minutes walk from the beach.

I have a permanent government job, which is what I've wanted for years. And it allows me to take time off so I can spend more time with my friends and family. I have enough food to feed me, clothes to wear, blankets to keep me warm, downloaded entertainment to keep me occupied, music to fill my iPod and Tupperware to play with.

I've recently gotten in touch with my best friend from high school, and it is great talking about stuff with her that we first talked about a good 13 years ago and she still remembers.

I get to see her and 3 other interstate friends who will all be visiting this year.

I am doing singing lessons fortnightly, which is something I have wanted to do for YEARS, and I enjoy it so much, even though I know I do not have the best voice.

I make a difference in a little girls life by reading to her and playing with her for an hour a week. It's an hour of being silly and writing poems rhyming the word "fart" and interpretive dancing to "Waltzing Matilda"

I have an overseas trip planned. And while I am going to have to scale it back from my original month long plans, I'll still get to see some of the most fantastic ancient ruins in the world. And I'll be back in time for my good friend B's birthday.

And I've started exercising, and found I am enjoying it, to the point where I competed in an 8km walking race, and completed it in 1 hour, 7 minutes and 1 second. And I want to do more.

I've even come to grips a little more with the drinking too much thing. I am too hard on myself. I shouldn't be wracked with guilt after every night out, because mostly, they are fun and I enjoy them. And after speaking to the one's who've seen me that way most, I don't hurt anyone, which is a relief for me. Sure I know I am hurting myself, but with that in mind, it will help me, as I don't want to do that.

Because, the only things that are bad are my being overweight, and my being constantly struck down with illness. Both being results of drin king too much and eating bad foods. Both self inflicted problems, with patience and time, I can control.

I was off work last Thursday and Friday and am off today. All on a doctor's certificate. I've slept lots and watched TV shows. I haven't exercised because I believe it is actually making my sinus problems worse. I've had one glass of wine in that time (which Max commented was a huge indication I was sick!)

I'm going to slow down somewhat. Cut back. But not to the point of complete abstinence from all that is supposedly "bad". I still need, like and want to have fun :)

Contradictions

I've always thought I was not normal. I've always been somewhat of an outsider. I don't follow trends. Well I guess I would have to some degree in primary school just to fit in, but I distinctly recall in high school not following what other people thought I should be like. Doing my own thing.

And now I do it to an even bigger extent. The posse are all a little pretentious. I'm told off for what I wear, how I talk, where I like to go for drinks, how I vote and my cooking methods. I'm not changing for them. I like wearing T Shirts, jeans and sneakers. I will use the term "shat out a baby" instead of giving birth, I'll go to a place just cause it has cheap drinks and isn't a posers hangout. I will NEVER vote Liberal and I will continue cooking food in the microwave.

I'll spend the majority of my time with like minded people. People who know how to have fun my way.

I went out for 2 glasses of wine on Wednesday with B and Max. 3 bottles later and I forgot everything that happened after about 8pm. Including the journey home, through the door, into my PJs then bed. But it happened and the only thing missing was my paperwork for jury duty that I had to send by today, including the letter of exemption from my manager.

I called B who had no idea where it was and suggested Max might know. I caller her and it turned out I'd been waving it everywhere and she took it from me and posted it yesterday.

These girls have seen me at my silliest and instead of making fun of me, laugh with me, and still want to do it all again another time.

Less wine next time though.

the badness

Well I am still waiting, which in itself tells me he's not interested. That's ok. I've dealt with much worse things this year alone.

The assault for example. It's wrecked me. I have no confidence in myself anymore, it has depleted my self esteem. It's brought the depression back and with that has been the major weight gain.

I am trying to solve this pharmaceutically, but it's not too successful. I am still drinking socially and my brain still hasn't learned when enough is enough...

Basically, all this together proves that I am in no position to bring someone else into all this mess surrounding me.

Until I change, my situation wont.

I just don't have the drive to change anything.

More melancholy

It’s not only this crush thing that is getting me down, but it’s on my mind the most.

I am doing a job at work I do not like. I had no choice in the matter, and was pushed into it. Plus the tasks that I actually do like doing are being taken away from me and given to people I don’t like. And I have to teach them how to do it.

I have had sinus infections for weeks on end, with no sign of the mucous letting up. I am still on antibiotics, which are expensive and I can’t afford to buy them, but I’ll dip into my savings to get them.

And I have a lot of weight still left to lose by 26^th July; my 10 year high school reunion. I have walked a total of 20kms this week, and STILL managed to put on a kilo in that same time. So instead of there being 13 kilos to go, there are 14. I don’t like setbacks.

This is probably why I feel something should be going right.

And my solutions for the above will be:

1. I can’t do a thing except wait to hear the inevitable “no”.
2. I will hold it all in til I go nuts at someone at work, because I have no other choice.
3. I am taking a million and one tablets, supplements and sprays to try and fix it.
4. I will keep walking, improve my diet and add little exercises in during the day. And use my treadmill more often

waiting...

Meh looks like all it takes is a little candor, and I can't stop!!

I was emailing my flatmate today and casually slipped it into conversation that I wanted said hot blond boys number, or flatmate could just give him my number.

I've spoken to flatmate since I've been home, and nothing has been said in relation to that so far...

I'm guessing nothing will happen, cause that's my luck. I'm sad about it already. Only cause it's been so damn long since I have actually had a crush, that it all feels brand new again.

Meanwhile, tomorrow arvo I am doing the mid week after work drinks in the city. Something I used to do with my friends in the posse a lot. This time it will be Max, B and myself.

Max and B are two I've met through this new job, so I've known them both less than a year, but I love them. I can truly be myself, they think I'm funny, they don't roll their eyes at me or make jokes at my expense. And having friends like that is more important to me than having a partner.

Except this crush is making me think irrationally and I still fell like I need one.

Gosh if anyone can follow this ramble let me know!

Like a teenager again

Sorry, I had hoped this would be a regular thing, but it looks like it will be quite sporadic.

I have a problem. I have a crush on the workmate of my flatmate. He is surfy looking, has a nice body, generally hot, 5 years younger than me and oh yeah, I've already slept with him. Which my flatmate knows about.

But I've been overcome with such shyness that I cannot even ask my flatmate to give me his number, let alone whether he can give me any indication whether this guy wants to see me again.

Why can't I just come out and ask? It would put me out of my misery! Or it would be nice to do things the proper way for a change.